I Moved To DC, Forgot My Password, and Wrote This Novel

Great job on the stand-up comedy, eh?  It’s sort of like after the adrenaline rush of that moment and accomplishment, I decided to go into Resolution retirement.  It’s as if when I walked off that stage uttering the words: “Thank you, good night!”  I meant it.  Well, that’s exactly what happened.

We Did It!!

Resolutions what?  It’s been so long that I’ve thought of a resolution, when I tried to log on to my blog, I realized I had completely forgotten my password.  Actually it’s been so long, that between my last blog entry and this one, we’ve actually managed to capture and kill Osama Bin Laden.

Subconsciously I guess I felt the stand-up was a good enough climax to end this whole shebang.  “Wow,” I thought. “That was REALLY out of my comfort zone and the most horrifying thing I’ve ever done.  I guess I’m done.  Cuz really wasn’t that the whole point of this whole thing?”  Consciously, I observed my subconscious and applauded it.  “Yes, subconscious.  I agree with you.  What’s the point of doing the rest?  You da man.”  Meanwhile, Justin Bieberfish observed both my subconscious and consciousness and turned his back on me to fart in my face.

You should hear my verbal regurgitation.  It would make even the man with the iron stomach vomit his brains out.  “Oh, I strongly believe that everyone should try this resolutions idea.  It really does wonders for the soul and for one’s overall happiness.”

“Oh, really? How many resolutions have you done so far?”

“Uh…(counting in my head)…technically only one so far, I’ve completed.”

Maybe I should try this resolutions idea.  Let’s start with that before I earn my bragging rights and start handing out pearls.

I am currently down in DC, working on my new job.  A lot has happened between the time I dislocated my shoulder, patting myself on my back for my stand-up feat, and now.  After much debate I decided to leave Justin Bieberfish in NYC.

A lot of you may believe this is a cop out.  I actually struggled with this decision.  I was ready to transport him in a small container onto the train with me and keep him in a small bowl in DC during the four months I’m here.  But what you may not know, is that Justin Bieberfish is a spoiled little bitch.  That’s right, I said it.  Apparently, he has to live in his 10 gallon tank or he will slit his wrists with rusty razor blades and lock himself in his garage with the car turned on until the exhaust fumes consume him.  Every time I clean his fish tank and temporarily keep him in a smaller fish bowl, he refuses to swim and begins to slowly float to the top, pretending like the 4 minutes in there is killing him.  Total drama queen.  I can only shudder to think what a 3 hour train ride would do to him.  And the point of the resolution was not to keep him next to my side at all times: it was to try to keep him alive for a whole year.  So after much debate, and discussion with my friends, I decided to leave him at home and have my friends feed him while I’m away.

Justin Bieberfish and his new toys

So now we have the kind of relationship where I play the father who’s always away on business trips and never sees their kid, and buys him elaborate gifts the one time a month I actually am home, to buy his affections, at which point the he throws the gift across the room and tells me I’m not his real father.  (I still have to sit Justin Bieberfish down and have the adoption talk with him) Although, I do have to say having him around was always a constant reminder of my resolutions.  Not having him around definitely does not help the cause.

As for my other resolutions…my marathon is actually 19 days away.  I came to this horrifying realization this morning, as I was debating on whether or not I should go to the gym.  Clearly, I’m still on the computer because I am not typing this on a treadmill.  I would say the only training I’ve done for this marathon is the occasional visit to the gym once every other week to run a good 6 miles before patting myself on the back and dislocating my shoulder again.  And carb loading.  I would say that I am now a pro carb-loader.  If there was an Olympic event on carb loading, I would make Michael Phelps look like he belonged in the “special” Olympics.

The reason I did not want to do a marathon is that I don’t have a typical job that allows me to set a standard training schedule.  I will have days where I work until 7 or 8pm.  And then days where I will work until 2 am in the morning.  And I can’t predict these days.  And on top of this wonderfully valid excuse, I’m also having way too much fun catching up with old friends and drinking my life away in DC.  But I guess that was the point of this resolution, no?  To make time when I can to achieve this goal.  Which is why I woke up today at 5 am to go to the gym.  For those of you who know me, this is an even bigger feat than stand-up.

"Congrats on your marathon!"

So I predict a rushed training program where I try to cram it all in at the last minute, thus crippling my legs, and leaving me to look a lot like James Caan in “Misery.”  Either that or I will suffer a stroke during the marathon.  This feel-good documentary, I fear, could slowly morph into “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.”

As for this blog entry, I believe I have also accomplished another feat: breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for longest blog entry ever.  I will be having a blog signing at the local Borders for anyone brave enough to print out this blog entry in its entirety.

OK.  Off to the gym. Finally.