So, apparently me buying Justin Bieberfish a lady companion was not such a good idea. I haven’t seen him in a month, and as many of you know – I went back home to NYC for Memorial Day Weekend instead of running in the Alexandria Half Marathon, at the request of my friend Michelle, and drank and stuffed my face all weekend. Well, when I returned home Justin Bieberfish was a totally different fish. Not only did he lock himself in his clay pot for hours with a stash of Sears catalogs, act withdrawn and moody, tell me he hated me every second and to mind my own business, but he also took a chapter out of Michael Jackson’s book and decided to change his pigmentation. Justin Bieberfish is no longer black: he is gold.
As a father I was bewildered, but also extremely proud: Justin Bieberfish had beaten the actual Justin Bieber to puberty. Sure, JB is technically 16 years old, but that’s just a number. Sure, he kisses Selena Gomez for the cameras, but let’s be honest: we haven’t seen a change as drastic as say, a COMPLETE CHANGE IN RACE. I was nervous at first, because I thought he had frequented the Jersey Shore while I was gone and had contracted some sort of scale cancer. But my friend, Lizzie, did some research and discovered it’s a form of fish puberty.
So congratulations Justin Bieberfish…to manhood…or fishhood…or manfishhood. And consider my purchase of your 1st mermaid similar to a father buying his son his first Playboy. And to the other Bieber: suck it. Call us when your body doesn’t awkwardly resemble a kid flexing for a Flinstones vitamin commercial.
In other news, my 1/2 marathon is this Saturday and I’m already shopping online for wheelchairs. I think I’ve found a quality hoveround to match my future needs.