Yes, tweens, you may be horrified to learn that the beloved Justin Bieber-fish is, in fact, on suicide watch, as his reps confirmed Monday afternoon.
This morning was my last day back in New Jersey, before I had to head back down to DC to finish up my last month of work. The Biebs’ house was a shit-sty, as usual, and I decided to clean it before taking off. As I was cleaning his tank, the side of the glass snapped, and to my horror, there were 3 large cracks in the glass.
I only had 1 hour to get ready to catch my bus in Manhattan, and no time to buy a replacement tank, so I had to throw the Biebs into the small fishbowl my previous two fish (Sarah Palin and Strom Thurmond) had died in.
I’m pretty sure my mistake was that I only added one tiny drop of water treatment to that bowl for its prior tennants…but nevertheless, I am nervous like a whorish teenager taking a hike by herself, who just heard a twig snap in the woods.
Here are the possibilities of Justin Bieber’s fatality:
1. I think I’ve mentioned he’s spoiled rotten and highly demanding. Well, he’s just moved
from a McMansion tank down to, basically, a studio apartment in the village. Whether he can rough it out for a month, at which point I will be back and able to buy him a replacement, is anyone’s guess. In the meantime, I will also be shooting a spinoff reality series of the “Simple Life” starring Justin Bieberfish and Paris Hilton.
2. There’s something about the filtration system in the old tank that kept me at ease. It may just be the babbling brook sounds coming from it, that could easily be replaced with those Nature CDs of a babbling brook…but I did not have time to stop by the nearest Wal-Mart and buy that CD either.
3. The ghosts of Sarah Palin and Strom Thurmond will come at the Lesbieber with a vengeance for surpassing their lifespans by even just one day. Picture ‘The Grudge,” but with fish.
Oh, and I completed the half-marathon and went to a tropical island for my birthday and those posts will be up soon. I just have to finish typing it up and coming up with excuses as to why I’ve disappeared off the face of the planet for the past few months.