I Moved To DC, Forgot My Password, and Wrote This Novel

Great job on the stand-up comedy, eh?  It’s sort of like after the adrenaline rush of that moment and accomplishment, I decided to go into Resolution retirement.  It’s as if when I walked off that stage uttering the words: “Thank you, good night!”  I meant it.  Well, that’s exactly what happened.

We Did It!!

Resolutions what?  It’s been so long that I’ve thought of a resolution, when I tried to log on to my blog, I realized I had completely forgotten my password.  Actually it’s been so long, that between my last blog entry and this one, we’ve actually managed to capture and kill Osama Bin Laden.

Subconsciously I guess I felt the stand-up was a good enough climax to end this whole shebang.  “Wow,” I thought. “That was REALLY out of my comfort zone and the most horrifying thing I’ve ever done.  I guess I’m done.  Cuz really wasn’t that the whole point of this whole thing?”  Consciously, I observed my subconscious and applauded it.  “Yes, subconscious.  I agree with you.  What’s the point of doing the rest?  You da man.”  Meanwhile, Justin Bieberfish observed both my subconscious and consciousness and turned his back on me to fart in my face.

You should hear my verbal regurgitation.  It would make even the man with the iron stomach vomit his brains out.  “Oh, I strongly believe that everyone should try this resolutions idea.  It really does wonders for the soul and for one’s overall happiness.”

“Oh, really? How many resolutions have you done so far?”

“Uh…(counting in my head)…technically only one so far, I’ve completed.”

Maybe I should try this resolutions idea.  Let’s start with that before I earn my bragging rights and start handing out pearls.

I am currently down in DC, working on my new job.  A lot has happened between the time I dislocated my shoulder, patting myself on my back for my stand-up feat, and now.  After much debate I decided to leave Justin Bieberfish in NYC.

A lot of you may believe this is a cop out.  I actually struggled with this decision.  I was ready to transport him in a small container onto the train with me and keep him in a small bowl in DC during the four months I’m here.  But what you may not know, is that Justin Bieberfish is a spoiled little bitch.  That’s right, I said it.  Apparently, he has to live in his 10 gallon tank or he will slit his wrists with rusty razor blades and lock himself in his garage with the car turned on until the exhaust fumes consume him.  Every time I clean his fish tank and temporarily keep him in a smaller fish bowl, he refuses to swim and begins to slowly float to the top, pretending like the 4 minutes in there is killing him.  Total drama queen.  I can only shudder to think what a 3 hour train ride would do to him.  And the point of the resolution was not to keep him next to my side at all times: it was to try to keep him alive for a whole year.  So after much debate, and discussion with my friends, I decided to leave him at home and have my friends feed him while I’m away.

Justin Bieberfish and his new toys

So now we have the kind of relationship where I play the father who’s always away on business trips and never sees their kid, and buys him elaborate gifts the one time a month I actually am home, to buy his affections, at which point the he throws the gift across the room and tells me I’m not his real father.  (I still have to sit Justin Bieberfish down and have the adoption talk with him) Although, I do have to say having him around was always a constant reminder of my resolutions.  Not having him around definitely does not help the cause.

As for my other resolutions…my marathon is actually 19 days away.  I came to this horrifying realization this morning, as I was debating on whether or not I should go to the gym.  Clearly, I’m still on the computer because I am not typing this on a treadmill.  I would say the only training I’ve done for this marathon is the occasional visit to the gym once every other week to run a good 6 miles before patting myself on the back and dislocating my shoulder again.  And carb loading.  I would say that I am now a pro carb-loader.  If there was an Olympic event on carb loading, I would make Michael Phelps look like he belonged in the “special” Olympics.

The reason I did not want to do a marathon is that I don’t have a typical job that allows me to set a standard training schedule.  I will have days where I work until 7 or 8pm.  And then days where I will work until 2 am in the morning.  And I can’t predict these days.  And on top of this wonderfully valid excuse, I’m also having way too much fun catching up with old friends and drinking my life away in DC.  But I guess that was the point of this resolution, no?  To make time when I can to achieve this goal.  Which is why I woke up today at 5 am to go to the gym.  For those of you who know me, this is an even bigger feat than stand-up.

"Congrats on your marathon!"

So I predict a rushed training program where I try to cram it all in at the last minute, thus crippling my legs, and leaving me to look a lot like James Caan in “Misery.”  Either that or I will suffer a stroke during the marathon.  This feel-good documentary, I fear, could slowly morph into “The Diving Bell and the Butterfly.”

As for this blog entry, I believe I have also accomplished another feat: breaking the Guinness Book of World Records for longest blog entry ever.  I will be having a blog signing at the local Borders for anyone brave enough to print out this blog entry in its entirety.

OK.  Off to the gym. Finally.

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I Had To Stop Meatloaf From Ripping Gary Busey’s Head Off

That was one of the most horrifying and adrenaline pumping nights of my life.  I can’t remember a time I was close to being anywhere near that nervous before, ever.  I’ve had cello recitals before and competitions when I was in High School, so I was kind of transported back to that time when I wanted to simultaneously vomit and die of a heart attack at the same time.

I was probably the 12th person on the list, so having  to sit through 11 six-minute sets was excruciating.  It was a juggling act.  I was trying to listen to everyone’s routines and laugh as much as possible, in hopes that they would return the favor to me; while simultaneously trying to remember my bullet points of topics I was going to talk about, along with their corresponding jokes; all while trying not to dry heave because my saliva decided to go on strike tonight.

Once I got started, I can honestly say that I don’t remember a thing.  I remember silences at parts I thought were meant to be funny, and trying to move on from that.  But most of the time, everything around me was blocked out and I might as well have been performing to an empty room.  I have to say, doing stand-up was quite possibly one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.  And I really admire stand-up comics who are able to constantly get in front of the mic over and over again.  It was definitely a proud moment in my life.  I would have never imagined myself doing this if I hadn’t gotten the resolution.  And the fact that I was able to get up on stage and garner one solid laugh, exceeded any expectations I had going into the resolution.  Had I not gotten any laughs, I probably would have just edited in laugh tracks stolen from “Full House” episodes.

A HUGE thanks to the crowd at the New York Comedy Club for being so kind and welcoming my first time doing standup.

Oh, and the title of this blog is just something amazing I heard on a preview to Celebrity Apprentice, that I never thought I would ever hear Mark McGrath say in my entire life.

On that note, what everyone’s been asking for…here’s a short clip from the digital camera (faster to upload right now than the actual footage) of part of my standup.

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An Asian Man And A Jewish Girl Walked Into A Bar…

If you’re waiting for a punchline, you’ll have to wait until Monday night.  Cuz that’s when I will be performing my first open-mic standup, while simultaneously defecating in my boxer shorts at the same time.  What can I say?  I’m good at multitasking.

I met with Poppi Kramer today at The Irish Rogue.  Many of you may know her as a standup comedian currently based in New York City, others may know her as a contestant on  Season 3 of NBC’s “The Biggest Loser.”  I met with her to get advice and an inside look into the standup world, and now, thanks to her, only 1/4 of my bowels will be dripping out of my pants leg on stage Monday night.

For me, the best part of the night was when she looked over my 6 pages of typed jokes that I’ve been frantically trying to memorize verbatim and said “Awwww…that’s so cute!”  Imagine a woman looking at a finger-painting done by an autistic child, and you’ll get the sentiment.

This Is What My Jokes Look Like

The problem that I’ve been having, is I’ve been trying to memorize a script that I’ve written out for myself, and in trying to memorize it, my delivery is stiff, halted, and rehearsed.  From going to the open-mic a few Mondays ago, I’ve learned that the people who performed the best, were the ones who felt like they were having a casual conversation with the audience.  And that’s what I learned I have to do: make out bullet points and just have an honest conversation with the audience.  I found that the random conversations I was having with Poppi worked much better than the actual jokes they were centered around in my 6 page stand-up thesis entitled “An Existential Look Into Over-preparation And Dissection of Comedy: A Tragedy in 3 Acts.”

“Stand-up comedy is one of the hardest things a person can do,” Poppi said to me tonight. It takes a lot of courage to get up on stage and speak in front of an audience, trying to elicit laughter from the masses.  It’s just that Sarah Palin makes it look SO easy.

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Urinating Will Be My Opening Bit

Tonight I went to the club that I will potentially be performing at in NYC, and watched a few of the stand up open mic acts to get a sense of what I will be in for in a few weeks.  I learned that I either have two scenarios from what I saw tonight: do exceptionally well, or bomb miserably and listen to pity sounds that are meant to be laughs, but by definition are more like semi-amused, accepting grunts you make, like when you see a dog stand up on his hind legs like a human.

Essentially My Biggest Competition

Here’s the thing I noticed the most: the awkward, nervous people who acted like they didn’t belong on stage did not, in fact, belong on stage.  As opposed to the guys who walked up and acted as if they owned the stage.  So here is my plan of action: after spending a few minutes urinating on the stage, marking my territory to predicate that I own that bitch, I will commence the delivery of my jokes, as if I’m telling a story to an audience of drunken, stoned frat guys.  (I am beginning to see the reasons behind Dane Cook’s obnoxious antics…they are essentially strategies that the most retarded person would employ after reading “The Idiots Guide To Entertaining Your Audience”)

The guys who told stories as if they were talking to their best buds over beers, got a more positive reaction than the ones who acted as if they were trying to talk about the first time they lost their virginity with their mom and grandmother in the room.

And with that, I will leave you with one of my favorite stand-up comics, Louis CK:

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In All Seriousness…

Today Japan was hit by both an 8.9 quake and tsunami that devastated the Eastern coast, killing over hundreds of people.

If you’ve seen the footage on the news, it’s like watching an awful B-Action Disaster summer flick directed by Roland Emmerich, only, sadly and frighteningly, it’s reality.

The point of this whole project that I’m doing is to live your life as best as you possibly can, and even though my premise appears like a joke: to do it before the world ends in 9 months…It’s shit like this that opens your eyes to the fact that you may not even get that much time.

Live your life to the fullest and as best you can every day.  Because some people don’t get the chance.  And you at least owe it to those people.

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A Preview To My Stand Up

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A Pat On The Back Only Leads To Burps

A lot of preparatory accomplishments today.  I have a potential comedy club that is allowing me to shoot there for my open mic at the end of the month: the New York Comedy Club, and I went to the gym today.  Actually “forced” is a more appropriate verb.  Still getting over this cold I’ve had for over a month now, and I left work early, so I decided to partake in some of my half marathon training.  I ran 5.25 miles tonight and hit the 5 mile mark in 52:30 exactly.  After sweating and hacking through the first 2 miles, I managed to hit my stride by mile 3, just as the Belle Stars began chanting “Iko Iko” into my ears from my ipod.  After that, some sweet badass Blues Travelers came on and I got into a rhythm and actually could have kept going, but decided not to overdo it this early.

I hiked another mile from the gym in Hoboken back to my place, and decided to celebrate by indulging in chicken parm and beer.  Call it carb loading: the best part about this marathon training.

Now I’m gonna belch my way into a slumber. Duh, winning.


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